The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
