i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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