Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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