Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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