I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
