I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
