Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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