My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
