Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
