update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
