You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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