I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
