dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
