Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
