matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
