I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
