I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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