Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
