i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
