I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
