I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
