Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
