I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
