remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize