This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
