i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
