He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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