i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
