Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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