...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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