If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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