i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
