Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
