why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Sorry about my life...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
