so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
