I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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