You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
