no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
