everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
