I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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