matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
