If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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