There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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