he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
