when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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