we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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