he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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