Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
