I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
