I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
