So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
