Will you blow on my dice?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize