Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
