I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
