Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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