so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Randomize
