If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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