He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
