I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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