when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
