he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
