2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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