there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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